Staring at the Ceiling
by Kyokutou
Summary: Tohru has finally chosen between the two of them and this is the first time Yuki has lost. He doesn't handle the loss well. This story follows Yuki's contemplation of suicide and his attempts to keep it secret.
1. Chapter 1

I stared at the ceiling as I lie there on my bed. She had chosen him, I just knew it was too good to be true. Probably what hurt him the most was that he had known all along and chose to ignore it. The voice in the back of his head was doing a victory dance singing something about "I told you so" and "You were wrong, I was right." The voice wouldn't shut up. I kept trying to figure out why she had chosen him. I never gave her any reason to fear me, never yelled at her like he did. The blame must have fallen on me. I just wasn't good enough for her. I was a monster, trapped in the dark cold world. Akito had been right, no one would ever want to free me. The dark was where I was destined to be. No one wanted me, needed me. I couldn't help it. I couldn't create something that needed me. My small garden didn't need me any more. She could handle it, and in fact, she was better at taking care of it than I was. There was nothing left for me, save the darkness. The voice did a celebratory dance in his head again. That was another thing it had gotten right. The darkness was all that I deserved, all that I would ever have. I felt the despair swelling up inside of me. I had opened the lid and been rejected, now the lid couldn't be closed again. I had opened old wounds and nothing could heal them. My mind slid over the thought of old wounds. Certainly they couldn't still be there. It had been over a year since they had been opened last. I brought my hand up over my face and stared at my wrist. The scar was slight, but it was there. All I would have to do was open it again. The pain could pull me out of this. I could feel something other than bitterness and loneliness. As I reached under my mattress I found my tool. It was a small knife I had stolen from the kitchen. Shigure never kept track of what he had and Honda-san had never seen it before. It was another one of my secrets, one that I hadn't told her. I was smart enough to keep it all hidden very well, by not hiding it. It was the perfect plan, act completely normal and let people make inferences about the wounds, most just thought it a small accident. I wore short sleeves and didn't try to hide the cuts. It took a lot of effort not to stare at them, or rub them in public. That would have given me away immediately. I stared at the knife turning it around in my hand contemplating the possibilities. Once I made my decision I made my way to the bathroom, hiding the knife in my pocket. It was so late at night that no one would be awake. If they were, I was on my way to the bathroom, no one would wonder why I was up. They probably would wonder why I was still dressed, but I could say I had fallen asleep in my clothing. I made my way to the bathroom without incident. Once there I locked the door and settled near the drain. The scar on my wrist would be my guideline. Just deep enough to get a steady stream of blood. The pain was a relief. I felt myself being lost in the beauty of the blood coming out. The color was stunning and entrancing. When it began to let up I felt disappointment filling my heart and without thinking at all, I brought the knife back to my wrist, cutting a bit deeper than before so there would be more blood. I simply couldn't stop staring at the blood. If I was a poet, I'm sure this sight would have given me inspiration for a wonderful poem, but I wasn't, so it didn't. All I could feel was amazement at the sheer beauty of something, and it was coming from me. That was a new revelation. I had been doing this for years, but only just now realized it. I had managed to create something beautiful. Something of mine was worth looking at, worth seeing again. I wasn't sure I could ever stop staring at it. Once again, though, the blood flow stopped. Another voice in my head called, begged, for me to cut again, deeper. It yearned for the blood flow to start again. The crimson color beckoned to it. I stared at my wrist contemplating just one more cut, when I heard a knock at the door. Immediately I felt the panic rise in my throat, but managed to suppress it. If I didn't handle this right, then it would all be over. I waited until the person announced their presence, hoping they wouldn't grab the key, assuming someone had somehow tripped the lock. I waited, but no sound came. I thought I was finally free when I heard the knock again.

"Yuki-kun . . . are you alright? You've been in there for a long time." I heard Honda-san's voice from the other side of the door. If it had to be anyone I had been praying that it wasn't her. It seemed that God really wanted me to suffer. I wiped the blade clean, placing it in my pocket and made sure the cut was not so noticeable before I opened the door. Honda-san stood there watching me. Her eyes seemed to swirl with confusion as she took sight of my clothing. "Why are you still dressed?"

"I fell asleep before I could change out of my clothing. What are you doing up so late?" My hope was to change the subject from me. She smiled up at me and I felt my heart warm a bit, then I remembered my rejection and the coldness came back. I was alone again.

"I heard you getting up and wanted to make sure you were alright." She smiled and stepped out of the way. I managed to get past her without her noticing I was upset, or the bulge in my pocket. When I walked into my room the darkness was there to welcome me. Akito's words rang through my head. There was no escape for me. The darkness would always be waiting for me, even if I managed to get away for a little bit. It was always there to welcome me back with open arms.


	2. Chapter 2

"Yuki-kun, you haven't gone to your secret base in some time. Shouldn't we check on the plants there?" Honda-san asked through the crack in my door. I had spent the past few nights up in my room "doing homework" and my guess was that I was beginning to worry her. I stared down at the paper sitting in front of me. The truth was that I hadn't done anything in the way of homework, at least not yet. My mind had traveled off, trapped once again in the darkness. Slowly, I turned my head around to face her. I was trying to rid the darkness in my eyes as I made eye contact with her. "Yuki-kun are you alright? You've been neglecting your garden." I managed to give her a smile. Pretending nothing was wrong was a talent of mine.

"I've been busy with some council work, Honda-san. I hope I haven't worried you. Would you mind keeping in eye on it for me?" She nodded her head with a smile before turning around to leave. I was about to go back to my own world when she turned back around to face me. It took some effort, but I managed to pull all of the annoyance out of my voice. "Is there something wrong, Honda-san?" She jumped, but stayed where she was.

"Well, I . . . . Last night, I was wondering whether you were feeling alright. I mean, when you went back to bed I wondered whether you were feeling sick. You aren't getting sick, are you? You don't seem to have as much energy as you usually do." I let out a long stream of curses in my head. Somehow I had managed to arouse suspicion despite all I had done. I gave her a weak smile trying just to look tired.

"Don't worry about it, Honda-san. I've been working really hard with some of the things from the council and haven't had a lot of time to do my homework. For a while now I haven't been getting as much sleep as I should because I've been staying up later in order to finish up my homework." She gave me an understanding look before leaving me to my "work". I let out a sigh of relief and turned back to my numb state, letting the darkness in my heart consume me. My eyes traveled to my wrist. The wound was beginning to heal and I felt the knife calling for me again. It was just sitting there underneath the mattress. If I closed my door no one would come in without knocking, that would give me proper warning. I had brought a washcloth into my room after last night. It would keep the blood from staining anything and I wouldn't have to risk worrying Honda-san with a trip to the bathroom. The calling was getting louder, but before I could give in there was a knock on my door. This was getting really annoying, but I pushed it out of my voice. "Come in."  
"Yuki-kun, you have a call." Honda-san sent me an apologetic look as she mentioned the news. I stood up and walked to the phone. When I passed Honda-san I gave her a small smile to reassure her. It seemed to work and the anxiety left her face. When I picked up the phone it was hard to not know who was on the other end, Manabe-san.

"Mr. President, a couple of the members of the student council aren't getting along. There's this huge dispute and neither of them is willing to give in. You need to come down right away." The implied question was answered by Manabe-san before I could even say anything. "Great! Now it takes you a few minutes to get to school from your house so we'll be expecting you then." He hung up leaving me there standing at the phone. I set it down on the receiver with a sigh and began walking up the stairs. He reminded me so much of Nii-san that I almost couldn't stand it. I hadn't changed out of my uniform yet, so all I had to do was grab my bag and warn Honda-san.

"What would you like for dinner, Kyo-kun?" I could hear her in the kitchen and felt the pang in my chest. She always asked him, why didn't I notice before? I clenched my fists and forced myself to walk on. Honda-san was happy and that was all I could ask for. Yes, I should be happy with this. There was no way I could make her happy. The darkness was always lurking, waiting for me. My bag was still sitting next to my desk and I picked it up. As I passed the kitchen I saw Kyo helping Honda-san with dinner. He was pealing some vegetables while she stirred something on the stove. They were laughing and seemed to really be enjoying each others' company. I took a deep breath and stuck my head in the door.

"Honda-san, I have to go by the school quickly. I may be late for dinner." She jumped at my sudden appearance and I saw a slight blush on her face. But before she could do anything else, I was on my way toward the door. I kept telling myself over and over that as long as she was happy it was for the best. It will keep her out of the darkness. The walk to school was silent and uneventful, but the peace couldn't prepare me for what I would get when I got to school. Huge dispute had to be an understatement. The entire council was spit in half with the leader of each side ready to get into a fistfight. What was scary was that one leader was the newest member of the council, Yamaoka Chidsuru. She was a rather beautiful girl with long black hair and alluring hazel eyes that were never the same color. The problem was that she had an attitude to rival Uotani-san. Currently she was about ready to attack a junior two feet taller than her and with more muscle than she could hope for. I groaned as I caught sight of the scene. Somehow I had gotten the worst of the deal when it came to the council. Sure they were all talented, but they couldn't agree on anything. This was not what I needed on top of the darkness beginning to overcome me. No one really noticed me until I stepped in between the leaders. "Care to explain exactly what is going on here?" When I heard my own voice I was rather shocked. The hopelessness was not there, only a large amount of annoyance, which was exactly what I needed. Yamaoka-san backed off only slightly and glared daggars at me. The junior on the other side dropped his guard and seemed to be relieved that I was there. I knew full well that Yamaoka-san would explain first since that was what she always did.

"They have been trying to crack down on the dress code saying that it was time we kept up the vigilance that the former president had. Their main examples are Sohma Hatsuharu and Momiji-chan." Yamaoka was in the same class and Haru and Momiji and had developed a small attachment to Momiji. I had no idea how it had started, but I couldn't dwell on that now. "We keep saying that it is their right to dress how they want. Momiji-chan is wearing a proper uniform and Hatsuharu-san says that that is his natural hair color. Why should we crack down on that?" I turned to the junior waiting his explanation.

"Sohma Momiji is a boy wearing the girls' uniform, how is that abiding by the rules and Sohma Hatsuharu's hair is a disgrace, not to mention those necklaces. It makes the school look bad." The look in his eye reminded me of former president Takei. "They are your family, I know, President, but we can't let them bring down the school." I sighed and looked to the both of them. Neither of them was going to be pleased with anything, but their way. I looked to see which one would put up more of a fight and knew that Yamaoka-san wasn't going to concede just because it was my decision. I really didn't want to deal with this.

"Look, from knowing those two, you won't change them no matter what. Going on from that I don't see how their choices reflect poorly on the school. Their ability to be themselves shows others that this school has all kinds of people. It gives our school a better reputation when people see the variety of students we have here." Yamaoka-san nodded her head in agreement and the junior let out a few grumbles and complaints, but seemed to concede. "Is there anything else?" Yamaoka-san pulled out some papers, she had been officially appointed the secretary, no one was really sure why.

"Actually, Yuki-san, we have some policies that we need you to look over and sign. There is also a small pile of paperwork sitting on your desk that you have yet to work on. If you wouldn't mind keeping up with your duties I'd greatly appreciate it." The malice dripping in her voice destroyed any thought of her being polite. She was angry because I had been slacking in my duties and making her job harder. Despite everything in my head telling me just to go home, I found myself finishing up the paperwork. Yamaoka-san practically stood over me as I worked. When I finished everything she snatched it from my hand and shoved it into a folder. "Finally. You've really let this stuff pile up, Yuki-san. If you are going to begin to slack off, you should step down and let someone more committed take the job." I made no come back as she was probably right. Instead I picked up my bag and began the walk home. "Yuki-san? Are you alright?" The change in her voice really shocked my and I was forced to turn around.

"I'm fine, Yamaoka-san. I haven't been able to get much sleep." I gave her a weak smile and left her there. The situation was weird, but I shoved it aside in my mind. This would be the first night that I had to eat dinner with everyone after welcoming back the darkness. Honda-san was a bit more perceptive than I thought. I had to begin to reconstruct my usual wall between my expression and my emotions. I was confident in the wall as I walked into the house. "I'm home." My voice sounded normal to me, so I felt a bit more confident. I took off my shoes and dropped my bag to pick up later. Honda-san came from the kitchen with a smile on her face.

"You're just in time, Yuki-kun. I was just about to put dinner on the table." I smiled and made my way to the table. Shigure was already there with his paper. I never understood why he constantly had that thing. He read it all in the morning, or his morning, but for some reason never seemed to actually read it. Honda-san came in with the food and sat down in her usual spot. Kyo dropped down after trailing in behind her. The two of them locked eyes for a second and the pain hit. As I sat there I had to reinforce the wall so none of them would know. I used the food in front of me as a refuge, something to keep my mind off of my loss. "Yuki-kun, what did you have to do at school?" I looked up at her, trying not to make eye contact. If I had, she would see straight through the wall.

"There was a minor dispute between the council members. Yamaoka-san and another got into a debate about the dress code. The dispute almost came to blows." Kyo grumbled, he had a strong dislike for Yamaoka-san since she treated him much like Uotani-san did. Honda-san began to worry about the almost fight. It felt like old times, but the little voice in my head started up again. Over and over it kept saying that it wasn't like old times. I had lost her and had been left alone again. I did a mental headshake to clear away the voice and pulled myself back out from my inner thoughts. Honda-san was still worrying over the fight, Shigure was smiling at her worry, and Kyo was stuffing food in his mouth. "Honda-san, no one actually fought. Everything is alright." She let out a sigh of relief. "It was just a difference of opinion. Some of the members wanted to crack down on the dress code and Yamaoka-san didn't. It was nothing too hard."

"You were gone so long. Did that take that long?" Shigure asked from his seat. I shrugged my shoulders and returned to my food for a second.

"No, but Yamaoka-san got me to do some paperwork while I was there. It took some time to finish that up." Honda-san nodded her head listening to what I said. Kyo was grumbling more about Yamaoka-san when Shigure interrupted his complaints.

"So quickly do you cheat on our dear Tohru-kun, do you Kyo-kun?" This got him up to his feet. I felt the anger rising up at his sudden release of his temper. He began yelling almost incoherently at the mutt. I let out a sigh.

"Can't you at least use words, stupid cat?" This comment brought the rage to me, exactly what I wanted. He rambled on about me being a damn rat. "Can't you at least come up with more unique insults?" I glared at him. He came at me with his fist. Effortlessly I dodged the punch and countered with one of my own to his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. With that, I stood up and left for my room. The punch was too much for the insults he had given me, at least in the mind of Honda-san, but he had stolen her from me and I wasn't about to let him get away with plunging me back into the darkness. Once I got to my room I locked the door and went straight to the knife under my mattress. The cut on my wrist had already begun to heal. Pulling away the scab with the edge of the knife brought a strange relief. The pain brought me a release from my turmoil and the blood was so beautiful. I had read descriptions of it in books, but nothing prepared me for the sheer beauty of the real thing. It was amazing. Something so beautiful was coming from me. That meant something to me. I was not completely disgusting. Here was something of beauty from me. It was the only thing worthy about me. If I simply ended it all I would save a lot of people grief. Honda-san wouldn't have to worry all the time about me. Kyo would have beaten me and gained his freedom. Shigure wouldn't have to put me up in his house. Haru wouldn't have to worry, either. Hatori wouldn't have to come every time I had an attack. There would be no one causing problems for Yamaoka-san. They would all be better off without me. Without even thinking I brought the knife deeper into my wrist, bringing out more blood. The sight brought back the awe. How could something like that come from me? I began to get a bit worried that someone would come upstairs so I took the washcloth and pressed the cut. Then I wiped the knife off and wrapped it in it. I stared at my wrist for a while before getting ready for bed.


	3. Chapter 3

Heh heh. ' The changes sort of changed again, but back to more of the original plot line. Forgive the time it took, but I just started college and haven't quite had the time to write that I want. I'll keep it updated as best I can. I ask nicely please review. I'm an aspiring writer and I want opinions on writing style. I'll love you all more if you review. Shout out to xbloodyxvalentinex I feel so honored.

I tossed around in my bed unable to sleep. My mind simply couldn't stop running on overdrive. All I could think about was suicide and how simple it would be. People tended to give me my privacy, which was exactly what I needed in order to finish this. I could easily finish it off and end my useless existence. All I did was cause people problems or unnecessary worry as I did with Honda-san. She always seemed to feel the need to keep an eye on me. I couldn't keep putting all of this on her. It would all be so simple and I could even keep the mess to a minimum if I went to the bathroom. I rolled over to my other side and forced my eyes closed trying to get my mind off of it. The darkness surrounding me simply wouldn't leave me alone. It continued to call to me even as I tried to sleep. For some reason the voice was always louder when I needed sleep. Frustration finally took over and I threw my covers off. It was impossible to get any sleep with that damn voice. There was a small amount of homework that I hadn't finished and I had brought some paperwork for the student council that could be done. I was willing to do anything right now just to make the voice stay in the back of my head. The homework was the first thing I did, unfortunately it was simple math problems and I finished it rather quickly. I hated to be so desperate to actually do council work, but I was. Letting out a sigh, I pulled out the paperwork and ran through it. Of course it had to be something that would involve approval by others. I had to find a compromise between two groups that never got along, staff and students. The student body wanted to have another festival to celebrate the end of exams, however the staff didn't want to waste the schools time and money with it. I ran through the ideas the staff had come up with for other festivals that the students wouldn't mind adapting into their festival. Anything educational was out, since it was supposed to celebrate the end of exams. One suggestion from the students was definitely out. The staff wouldn't accept the idea of a dunk the teacher booth. Something clicked when he thought of the details of the booth. If the festival was a fundraiser the staff wouldn't mind it so much. All of the classes could come up with a different fundraising booth. This would allow the students to have some fun and allow the staff some kind of practical purpose. Creating the proposal for the two groups would take some time. Each one would be more swayed by a completely different set of points. Creating the different proposals would take all night . . . perfect. I had found my escape from the voice.

My eyes opened very slowly and I saw a small amount of light coming through my window. I sat up very slowly wondering exactly where I was and what was going on. I definitely wasn't a morning person. I looked around and found myself sitting at my desk with a half-finished proposal sitting in front of me. It all came back. I had been working on the proposal and must have fallen asleep out of sheer exhaustion. At least I had managed to distract the voice for the night. As I became a bit more aware of myself I noticed the ache in my back and neck. I made a mental note to never fall asleep at my desk again. Despite the mental note my senses were really dulled down and I didn't even notice the door opening behind me. "Yuki-kun, are you awake?" Honda-san peaked into the room and saw me half-asleep at my desk. "Were you up all night?" Worry filled her eyes and she came a bit further into the room. I turned to her, not completely registering that I was asked a question. She turned her head to the side and looked at me, expecting the answer. I looked back at her for a second and slowly shook my head. A yawn took over and once it was over I managed to rub some sleep out of my eyes. It woke me up a bit more and I could give her a better explanation.

"Fell asleep while working." I pointed my head quickly to the paper on my desk. She nodded, still worried, but willing to wait until I was completely awake. For that, I was thankful. In the state I was in I had no idea what would come out of my mouth. My mind knew what was going on, but my body wouldn't listen to that part of my mind. She smiled and moved to walk out the door, but turned at the last minute.

"Breakfast is almost ready. I wanted to make sure you were up in time for school. Didn't you say that you had to leave early today?" I nodded my thanks and she finished the walk out, closing the door behind her. Once I was sure she was further down the hall my head fell back down to the surface of the desk. There was no way I had gotten more than three hours of sleep and the lack of sleep was beginning to pile up. If I didn't watch myself I could transform at school. I let out a sigh. If that happened I wasn't sure I would be able to stay away from the darkness. My neck and back were stiff from my position. Getting up wasn't going to be fun, especially now that I was completely awake. I let out a sigh and forced myself to pull myself up. The pain was as bad as I had assumed it would be, but I still wasn't ready for it when it came. It took a little bit of stretching, but I managed to dull the pain enough to move. Honda-san was right about my schedule. There were some council things that I had to do before school, along with finishing the proposal I had started during the night. The one thing I liked about myself was my autopilot ability. I threw myself into autopilot to get dressed. It was the best way for me to conserve energy to prevent myself from transforming. Today was going to be barrels of fun. I laughed to myself at the sarcasm. As I worked the tie under my collar I was yanked out of autopilot. Ties were created to drive men insane. It always took me at least five tries before I could finally get it to look semi-normal and that was only if I put my full concentration into it. I cursed under my breath as my first attempt failed. I really didn't have the patience for it this morning, especially with my lack of sleep. It took me seven tries this morning before I finally managed to get the damn thing tied. By then the smell of breakfast began wafting into my room. I took in several deep breaths and pulled up the wall. When I came to the table Shigure was already sitting there with the newspaper. He registered my presence as I sat down at the table.

"Morning, Yuki-kun. Tohru-kun said she found you asleep at your desk this morning. Awake all night?" He had a rather smug look on his face and I scowled. "Now, now. Be nice to me, Yuki-kun. I was simply asking a question." If I had the choice I would have growled at him, but that would only give him something to make fun of.

"I fell asleep while doing some work, not like it's any of your business." I continued my glare until he nervously returned to his paper. The nervousness was, of course, an act. Around Shigure I had learned to never anything Shigure said, did, or pretended to do. The best bet was to never trust Shigure in any way. Honda-san came out with two trays of food and was about to trip when an arm reached out to catch her. He held his trays with one arm and steadied her with the other. She flashed him a grateful smile and I felt my heart sink at the look she was giving him. Kyo looked away a bit nervous despite his nature. I hated the awkwardness he always seemed to give off, especially after he had been chosen by her. As I sat there I reinforced the wall.

"Look at that. Kyo-kun is actually being kind and protective of our little flower. Didn't you see, Yuki-kun?" If looks could kill Shigure would have dropped dead right there. He, miraculously, took the hint and returned to his paper. Honda-san set a tray of food in front of me with a smile. She sat down next to Kyo as he practically threw Shigure's in front of him. I wished it had landed in his lap. Turning my attention to my breakfast managed to keep myself away from any felonies today. Both Shigure and Kyo were on my hit list, if I ever created one that is. Honda-san looked up at me with a question in her eyes.

"Yuki-kun, what were you working on last night? I was sure our homework wouldn't have taken you all night to do. You explained it all to me rather easily." I looked up quickly from the food in front of me to meet her eyes. She seemed to be rather concerned with the fact that I had been up so late at night. I gave her a small smile, knowing it would reassure her, though I wasn't sure if she would notice how forced it was. I prayed she didn't.

"I was working on a proposal for that festival the students wanted. It took me a while to figure out a way for the staff to approve of it. Then I had to prepare a proposal for both the student council and the staff. That is what took so long." When she seemed to accept the response I felt a bit relieved. As long as she didn't question it I was fine. Something clicked when I saw Shigure move. He didn't believe one word of the crap I was spewing. I looked over at him and caught his eyes, glaring at him, warning him away from any stupid ideas of telling her anything. He seemed to catch the hint, but when his face warped into a smile I knew he was going to do it any way. Right then and there I swore that if I ever got him alone he would pay.

"Yuki-kun, something like that wouldn't take all night, surely. It would only take an hour or so, right? Why then were you up most of the night?" I was sure Honda-san had seen the look in his eye and knew what he was trying to do, but I overestimated her ability to read Shigure and her eyes snapped over to me. Kyo knew better, but he wouldn't do anything to help me out. He still loved to watch me squirm like this. He was going to wish he hadn't the next time I got the chance to hit him.

"I tried to sleep for a while, but couldn't so I decided to work on it. I fell asleep while I was working on it." I directed the answer to Shigure and let a bit more venom in than I had intended, but managed to make the stupid dog squirm. He probably had no idea what he was doing, but he now knew to back off. With Honda-san around sometimes he got the idea that he actually had to play a parent. It was almost making me wish I had somewhere else to go. Suddenly the food sitting in front of me didn't look so good, even though it was her cooking. I put on the act of checking my watch before getting up. "I'm sorry, but I have to get going. Yamaoka-san wanted me to get some more paperwork done today on top of this proposal." Before I could see their disbelief I turned and made my way out of the room. I had never been so relieved to be on my own, even when Nii-san was around. If I thought about it, which was all I did on the walk to school, Shigure probably knew I was up to something, or hiding something. Damn him. He was going to hold that knowledge over my head for as long as he could. Usually it was something that I would eventually let Honda-san know about and then he would no longer have the leverage, but this time . . . there was nothing I could do about it. I could leave the house, but that would mean that I would have to go back to the main house . . . to Akito . . . that wasn't an option. As I shuddered I shook my head to clear that option out. There was no way I could go back. I wasn't that desperate . . . at least not yet. The call of the darkness hadn't reached that point yet. "_This world is a cruel, dark place. Your whole life will be lived in that darkness. Hope, possibility . . . those concepts don't apply to you. Your fate is to stay on that pitch dark road until you die._" Akito's word echoed in my mind. Before I always thought that Akito had lied, that Honda-san could bring me out of that dark world, give me hope. There was always that hope, wish, that she would save me, but in the end . . . "_Don't get any ideas or think I will be saved some day._"

"Yuki-san?" My attention was brought back out of my inner world to see Yamaoka-san standing right in front of me. It was a bit close and really startled me causing me to jump back. "Welcome back to planet earth, Yuki-san. You really spaced out there." I looked at her. She had turned her back to me and continued walking into the school. "I'm glad you showed up early today. It seems that the staff heard the rumors about the festival and want a full explanation as to what we plan to do about it. Since you had been called in yesterday we figured we wouldn't do the same thing again, though the staff won't like our lack of preparation." Her rambling went on long enough for me to regain my composure and pull the wall back up. If anyone caught sight of the darkness it would all be over.

"Actually, Yamaoka-san, I had some time last night and managed to start up a proposal." She looked back at me with a hint of surprise. "I was thinking about how to get the staff on board, what if we turned it into a form of fundraiser? Each class comes up with their own booth to raise money for the school. Students can do what they want and the staff gets a practical purpose out of it. I started a proposal, but I was going to bring it up later today." Without any notice she pushed my shoulder back rather hard, but there was a smile on her face. I wasn't quite sure what that meant. All I really understood was that it had really hurt.

"Here I thought you were getting lazy on me, Yuki-san. Ever time I make an assumption about your character you go and surprise me by throwing a curve ball. That's a great idea!" I let out a nervous laugh and rubbed my shoulder. If she liked the idea then why'd she have to hit me so hard? "Sorry about that, Yuki-san. I grew up in a house of guys who decide that if they like you then you immediately become a punching bag. I figured, from your actions that you didn't really grow up like that. Do you have any brothers?" That dreaded subject. I felt my anger rise slightly at the mere thought of that man. "I take it you do and you're not to happy about that." She laughed. "Nobody gets along perfectly with their siblings, but in the end they're there for you in a time of need." She seemed to drift off into her own world leaving me to do the same as we entered the building. Nii-san had never been there when I needed him and now all he seemed to do was get in the way. In the end, the only person that managed to be there had finally chosen to leave me. I shook those thoughts out of my head and looked down at Yamaoka-san, making sure I hadn't let my wall drop. Her eyes were completely serious and any guard she may have had was dropped. There was a loneliness, a sadness in her eyes that caused me to shudder. It reminded me of the same feelings in my heart. I wondered if my eyes ever held that same look before. Manabe appeared suddenly in front of me.

"Mr. President and Yamaoka!" He moved almost as quickly as Nii-san did and almost as loud. I really, really didn't like this guy. Yamaoka-san seemed to be annoyed by him and put her hands on her hips and glared at him.

"Manabe! How many times do I have to tell you not to be so noisy in the halls? What if there was someone making up a test in the classrooms around here?" Her eyes narrowed, losing the look that she had before. I wondered what had brought about the sudden sadness in her eyes. "Do something about this plague, Yuki-san. He's bringing down the entire image of the student council. Imagine what people must think about us when they see this fool running around the hallway." I couldn't help, but shake my head, covering my eyes with my hand. The entire council was full of freaks, but they couldn't be near as bad as what Nii-san had put his school through.

"I just came out here to greet our glorious leader, Yamaoka. Take a chill pill, 'kay?" He put a hand behind his head and let out a nervous laugh when Yamaoka narrowed her eyes even more after this statement. "Alright. I came to make sure you guys were coming. The principal didn't like the idea that we were planning some festival under his nose. He's about to have a conniption. The only one who can talk some sense into him now is Mr. President here." He clapped a hand on my shoulder, luckily the one Yamaoka-san hadn't punched earlier. "Now that you're here, we can rectify this situation." I felt myself being pulled away. Before I could make any hesitation I was shoved into a close room and the door closed behind me. In the room there was the principal and a few of the staff members sitting at a long table. None of them looked pleased to see me. I took a deep breath and began my greeting.

"Good morning." Narrowed eyes greeted me. I knew formalities weren't going to help me. "I know you heard about the rumors of a festival, but I assure you that we were not making any promises without your clearance. We were trying to tie in a practical purpose for it before we brought any formal proposals to your attention." From the look in their eyes they wanted every detail here and now before anything else. I set my bag down on the floor next to me and pulled up the incomplete proposal. "I began work on the proposal yesterday, but I haven't had any time to complete it yet." Slowly, I handed it to the principal to look over some. "Right now the idea was to make it a giant fundraiser. Each class can come up with their own ideas for how to raise money for the school." He flipped through the few pages of notes that I had written before looking up at me. There was no emotion in his eyes and I wasn't sure what to think of the reaction.

"Sohma-kun, you are a rather smart boy. I was all ready to throw out this entire idea, but then you come up with this." He pushed the papers across the table back to me with a small smile on his face. "I can't find a reason for us not to approve of this festival. Finish up the plans and give us a final proposal as soon as possible." He stood up and motioned the rest of the teachers out of the room. I let slip a sigh of relief once they were gone. It didn't take long for the rest of the council to find their way into the room. They all surrounded me expecting a detailed report. I let out another sigh.

"They couldn't find a reason not to approve. We are supposed to finish the proposal and get it to them for approval ASAP." Almost everyone erupted in cheers. Even Yamaoka-san seemed to have a relieved look on her face. While everyone was distracted I felt safe to move into my own mind. Somehow I needed the solitude, but once I tuned out everyone I could hear the darkness calling for me again. Involuntarily I took hold of my wrist and rubbed my thumb over the healing wounds. I wanted, needed to see the blood again. Someone grabbed my shoulders suddenly pulling me back to my surroundings. Manabe was the one who had grabbed me, but the others pulled in a group surrounding me. I looked up to what was in front of me when there was a flash of light. Once my eyes focused again I realized that someone had taken a picture of us. Yamaoka-san looked back from behind the camera with a small smile on her face.

"I'll make sure to keep record of this moment. The amazing Yuki-san managed to save the festival. If it goes well it may become an annual thing. You would leave your mark on this schools history." She looked down at her camera as it began to rewind the film. "It seems that I'll be able to develop this tonight." With the group chattering I managed to slip out unnoticed. The crowd was making me uncomfortable and I wasn't sure I could stay entirely alert for my situation with the condition I was in. I needed to take some time for myself to think. Somehow, despite the celebrations, I managed to get out of the room with my bag. As I walked down the hallway my mind traveled to exactly what had happened. It was only my depressed state that saved the festival. Somehow it seemed that I was nothing without the darkness. I shook my head bringing myself away from that thought. Even with the darkness there was really no use for me. The others would have managed to come up with the same plan and probably much faster than I had. Someone else was probably more suited for student council president than I was. Why didn't any of them realize this? It was so obvious. I seriously reconsidered the idea of resigning. The reasons flooded my mind, but before I could really think them over I managed to brush the underside of my wrist against my leg. The twinge of pain brought my attention back to the cut I had inflicted. It was healing, but that wasn't what caught my attention. The wound reminded me of an even easier way to get out of everything. I had listened to people preach their ideas that suicide was a horrible sin, but was it really? God put us on the earth and gave us the free will to make choices, to choose our own paths. Wouldn't that also include the right to live? I moved my wrist around testing just what would bring pain to the cut. It would be such a simple solution and yet it seemed to be the only one to solve every one of the problems. I found my way to the bathroom and locked myself into a stall. I didn't have anything to cut my wrist with, but my fingernails were long enough that I could probably just reopen the wound. That would pacify my mind. There was a small amount of pain and I welcomed it. There was a small amount of blood, enough for me to appreciate its beauty once again, but not enough to cause a major problem later in the school day. Once I noticed the blood flow was beginning to slow I checked my watch and realized that I should get back to the others. I opened the stall and washed my hands and the cut in the sink and began walking back to the others. Today seemed it was going to be a long day. I realized with a sigh.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry for the lack of updating, but my life hit a really hectic time what with graduation and such. Please continue to review my work. I really do appreciate comments and constructive criticism.

Okay, this goes a bit beyond my actual experience, but the general feelings are the same. Oh, by the way, Chidsuru is an original character. I've only read up to volume 11 and they haven't introduced a secretary. Sorry for any confusion I may have caused.

There was a rather annoying sound pulling me out of my thoughts as I sat at my desk. Once again the voice in the back of my head had refused me the luxury of a peaceful nights rest so I had opted to do some more work on the festival. I was trying to figure out a small irritating detail when I suddenly heard a rather loud and obnoxious sound coming from somewhere in my room. After a quick inspection I found that it was my alarm clock signaling me that it was time to wake up. I had just spent the entire night working on this damn festival with absolutely no sleep. Great. I rolled my eyes and shut off the infernal clock. I proceeded to glare at it for a few seconds before giving up the futile effort to gain some extra sleep. My recent use of the alarm clock was to be up and gone before Honda-san had a chance to tell me that breakfast was ready. That one simple breakfast had been enough to tell me that I would not survive another meal with Shigure, Kyo, and her. This meant that I was going to have to deal with a severe lack of food along with my exhaustion, but any physical pain was better than a meal with that much emotional distress. I couldn't take it. I went into autopilot to get dressed. My mind still running through the detail I was trying to figure out. Exaclty how were we going to keep an eye on all of the displays with minimal faculty involvement? We could always have the homeroom teachers act as an advisor for the booth, but somehow that wasn't appealing. I finished tying my tie in autopilot and realized that it looked worse than usual. Again I cursed whoever had decided men should wear ties. This morning it took me twelve tries until it looked acceptable. This was getting dangerously close to my record of seventeen tries. I stuffed the papers I had been working on into my bag unceremoniously and looked back at the clock. Honda-san should be in the kitchen. I'll give her a small farewell before leaving. That stupid cat shouldn't be in there. I made my way down the stairs and stopped by the kitchen. Honda-san was rushing around the kitchen keeping her eye on several different dishes. There was a pang in my heart as I realized she was probably waiting for Kyo to come and help her. "Honda-san, I have to get going." She whirled around to face me with a worry filling her eyes.

"But, Yuki-kun, you haven't had any breakfast. Can you wait just a few minutes? It should be ready soon." I felt like crap right then. She looked up at me studying my face. I shook my head and pulled my bag further up onto my shoulders.

"I can't. I have to do some more work for the festival. I'll grab something on my way." I came up with this lie rather quickly and prayed to every deity I could think of that she bought it. Fortunately for me, she was overly trusting and believed the weak excuse.

"Alright, but you will be home for dinner, right? We missed you last night." I stopped dead in my tracks. Last night I had stayed as late as I could at school and then came home and locked myself into my room claiming that I wasn't hungry and would get something later. Did she really care if I was there or not? I gave myself a mental slap. Of course she didn't. She was just saying that because she didn't want me to feel bad that they really enjoyed my absence. I put on my fake smile for her.

"We'll see. I've got a lot of work to do with the festival." With that said I made my way to the door. No one stopped me and I began the trip to school. In reality, I did not have to do any of the work I was doing, but it felt good to have some sort of escape. Checking to see if I was alone on the street I looked down at my wrist. During the night I had managed to cut it even deeper than before and it had been most satisfying. The thoughts returned of just how easy it would be to end it all. No one would miss me. No one would care. Hell, they'd probably rejoice at my departure. I stuck my hand into my pocket as I walked in an attempt to look normal. I felt a cool metal surface touch my hand. My eyes widened as I realized what it was. My knife. Somehow while I was getting dressed this morning I had slipped my knife into my pants. It was strangely calming to know that it was there. The voice in the back of my head began to explain its presence. I felt comfort in knowing that it was there in case I ever made the decision. The voice sounded so familiar, but I just couldn't place it. My fingers gently caressed the cool metal as I continued my walk to school.

"Yuki-san, what are you doing here so early?" Yamaoka-san's voice pulled me out of my own thoughts. I had gone into the building and had just walked into the council room when it reached my ears. I looked up at her and found a strange look on her face. Her eyes were greener than usual and full of confusion. "I thought I was the only one to ever show up this early." I shrugged my shoulders and set my bag down on my desk. As I pulled out my papers I noticed that she was staring at something in her hands.

"What is that?" I asked, for once actually curious. The look on her face was what really startled me. The sad and almost lost look in her eyes as she stared down at the paper worried me. What could cause someone to look like that? She turned her gaze to me and I saw a small hint of sadness and anger mingled in with worry. I was caught off guard and I stopped messing with the papers.

"I'm actually glad you came in early today." She said with her usual tone. This would be the one she reserved for scolding me for neglecting paperwork, or Manabe-san for being Manabe-san. "I developed my pictures last night and wanted to ask you about one of them." I felt a small wave of panic well up inside me. There was nothing to worry about. I almost begged myself to believe that statement. This panic was strange. There was nothing that could be in pictures that Yamaoka-san had that would cause this sort of panic. "Are you feeling alright, Yuki-san?" I stared at her.

"Of course." I lied with a bright smile on my face. It was met with complete disbelief. Shit. The panic was beginning to rise. What was it that she had in those pictures? She stood up and came over to my desk. I stared at her as she slowly made her way before she stopped and held out the picture to me.

"If you are alright then explain to me why you look so sad and lost in this picture." This tone was new. I had never heard it from her or anyone, for that matter. Very carefully I took the picture and examined it. It was the picture from yesterday, the one she had taken after my emergency meeting with the faculty. My eyes widened with fear as I saw what she was questioning. My guard had slipped the moment she had taken the picture. The expression in my eyes radiated complete depression. My breath stopped and I couldn't take any air in whatsoever. I had been caught. That was exactly what had happened. After all that I had done to protect myself from exposure a simple picture and forced a spotlight onto me. This was the worst, even worse than people finding out about the curse. "Yuki-san, what is going on?" Again her tone caught me off guard, but I still couldn't say anything. My mind was still running the same record of thoughts. I'm caught. There is no escape. I have to escape. I gave myself a mental headshake and tried to come up with a rational reason to explain that. An idea suddenly struck me. It was a long shot, but it was all I had.

"It was just a really bad morning." I said carefully. "I told you that I couldn't sleep and that was when I did my work on the proposal." Knowing there was no way she would believe that I avoided eye contact as I handed her back the picture. "Just a bad morning. I'm alright now." My walls were back and I gave her my best smile, still avoiding eye contact. I didn't want to give her the chance to question that so I made my way to the door. "I have something to do really quick. I'll be right back." With that, I made my escape. Somewhere, anywhere, I didn't care. I had to get away. The knife in my pocket was calling to me, begging me to escape all of this trouble. It was such a simple answer and I wondered why it hadn't occurred to me before how easily I could solve my problem. Before I knew it I was on the roof of the school. Although most of the people I knew tended to hang out up here it was actually the perfect place. No one would come up here until lunch at the earliest and that should be plenty of time. I leaned against the wall and slid down to sit. My hand slid into my pocket to retrieve the knife. Right now I thanked my autopilot for thinking ahead and placing it there. I made the first cut, not too deep because right now I still wanted just to see the blood. It was so beautiful. The color once again drew my attention away from everything. The crimson blood slowly coming from my wrist hypnotized me. I didn't realize how long I had been staring at it until I noticed the flow was beginning to let up. A small noise of disappointment came up into my throat and surprised me. This was it. I knew that now was the perfect time. I could watch as all of that beautiful crimson liquid spilled from my body and lulled me into the darkness. There was no hesitation as I brought the knife down to my wrist again. This cut was long and deep and I felt a deep satisfaction as the blood began to pour out of me. It was a great contrast to the small stream I was used to, this was a flood. I closed my eyes briefly to concentrate on the pain for a brief second. It was something I deserved, something I craved. My attention returned to the blood. Once again I was in awe that something so amazing was coming from me and in such abundance. The trance was unbreakable and I felt myself slip away with a small voice calling out to me.

"Yuki-san!" In my half-conscious mind I had no idea who would call me and why they would want to pull me out of something so amazing. My consciousness finally left me and I was left in the darkness that was always around me.

And I'll leave it at that. Please don't worry and think I'll leave you at that for the same amount of time that I did before. I told you that was a fluke and I'm already working on the next chapter. I'll get it up ASAP so don't worry. Please review, I know I'm begging, but they keep me confident that people are reading my stories and then I continue to be motivated to write them.


	5. Chapter 5

Threaten me. Hate me. Honestly, right now I don't care anymore. After getting threats earlier and getting told off forgetting about Yuki I decided to finish the fic here and delete the later chapters. To those of you who didn't do that :bows: forgive me. My interests have changed recently and to tell you the truth, I've moved on. Besides, the later chapters were a bit forced to begin with. :bows: Again, I'm sorry to those of you who didn't do anything, but this is the end.


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